Hello everyone. Since I dropped out of school my life has changed in a few ways; not only did I start working full-time at my previous job but I also found myself having a lot of spare time. Time that I spend alone… mostly.
With all of my freedom and all of my self control (or lack thereof) I have found myself lost in a lot of activities that are quit lonely. I’m not saying that that’s inherently bad – not at all! – but the problem starts when most to all activities you do and have work-realted or not are activites that are lonely.
What I’m trying to say here is that it has been hard for me to find a reliable source of socializing after having dropped my school life. Not to say that I had a great social life at school but I have even lless than then..
I have been trying to keep some contact to some people I had a relation with back when I was still decided on graduating fully but it’s been hard arranging to meet up with them. I am probably just not important enough to any of them to want to meet up with (at least not high-priority) so I’m thiking that that’s where the problem lies.
Look, I’m not seeking out 200 friends on Instagram or anything close to that in real life but I still care to have a healthy amount of socail contact. At work I’m sitting mostly alone working on things that mostly I am working on all by myself. I’m not whining, I am very fortunate to work on what I work where I work and with whom as well but this has been troubling me.
I may not seem concerned but I am. I am concerned that I won’t be able to have meaningful (and even not so meaningfull) relations with people around me any time soon because I am not exposing myself enough.
I believe that that’s the problem, that I just need to get out there and talk to people.
I am shy and introverted to a good extend when it comes to talking to people – but it’s not like I can’t or don’t want to – infact I really love to do that! All that is keeping me from it are my insecurites and the doubt I have on how people thinnk about me.
I honestly think that I don’t care too much how person A or B or C think about me. I don’t agree with the fact that everyone that I am with has to like me no, I think it’s good to have people accept you as wwho you are even if they don’t agree you.
But being accepted is something I feel very unsure about and I am noot comfortable admiting to something like that because I don’t think I know what that feels like. I’m surely having a lot of “Spotlight Effect” moments and I recognise them and it is all suddently better but that sstill doesn’t solve everything.
In order for me to move on with my life I need to find a greater purpose and forge a greater conncetion to the people aroound me. In school I felt like I was just there, occasionally being someone and doing something and now it feels the same – just that I have less people notice me then even back then.
I am sad and want to change something. This blog acts as a sort of semi-unfiltered self-therapy session and if you haven’t already nooticed I am not greatest at maintaining a schedule or format in any form. I just want to get my thoughts out.
With all that being said I felt like needing to write this. There is always somuch more that I feel like writing but I think it would just be too much for one post.
As always,
Thank you for reading!
See you around.
